I don’t think I will ever be the kind of sax player I’d like to be. I don’t have the motivation. I enjoy playing the saxophone, but at the same time, it can be the source of much frustration.
I practice for hours at a time and make no progress. Sometimes, I record my practice, and when I listen, I am disappointed. That makes me not want to practice anymore. So, I go days without practicing again because I dread the sucking.
The recordings where I manage to capture something good happening are far apart and very few. And those few captured performances suck!
I hate music. I love music. I wish I had learned and become good at something else when I was young. Music is supposed to bring joy into one’s life, and it used to do that for me but now, almost never.
Sometimes, I want to put my saxophone up for sale. Then I’d get bored at some point and wish I still had it. So I guess misery shall be my life’s work.
I don’t know what to do next. As inconsistent as I am with my practice, I don’t see it getting better. Sometimes, I want to give up all together.