Why Can’t I Stop?

So, for about a week now, I have been pulling out the saxophone. The first time I played it, I lasted approximately 15 minutes. After doing it a week, I can now last an hour.

My embouchure is weak. I have a long way to go. I don’t know if I will ever be a good horn player again. I just know I cannot stop.

I would love to play with some other musicians. However, I don’t know anyone here in South Carolina who plays jazz. And if I did know anyone, I don’t know that they’d want to play with me.

It has been so long since I had the opportunity to play with an ensemble. My confidence is low. I’m afraid to get out there and try. When I was younger (in my 20’s), I thought I was a great sax player. I suspect I was only okay. I sometimes play better now, even though I’m out of practice.

I’m not sure I can knock off all the cobwebs. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I enjoy playing and listening to music (Jazz). I have no desire to play beach or rock music or R&B. However, Jazz requires much concentration, knowledge, and practice and is more fun.

I don’t know how long I will continue to practice this time. I want to keep at it until I reach a goal, but I have none. At this point, I don’t believe I could ever be a pro musician again in this life. I don’t think I could be a “pro” anything anymore. My life is sad, boring, and I don’t want it anymore. Don’t anyone worry. It is only the way I feel.

Well, I’m about to torture myself for another hour or so. That’s what practice feels like now.

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